Summer Fling
by Friendly Uncle
Summary: The usual suspects. On the beach. Oh, and there's dinosaurs. YEAH.


It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining brightly, the sand was white and warm, the sea breeze tasted just slightly of salt and cooled what would have otherwise been an unbearably hot day. The gentle lapping of the waves would lull you to sleep if you let them, but the pleasantly cold waters provided far more entertainment than a simple nap. All in all, life was good in. in.  
  
I can't remember, was it Hawaii? No, it's Acapulco- what? Mavericks destroyed Acapulco!? So Rio de Janeiro. RIO WAS DEVASTATED BY VOLCANOES!? THERE ARE NO VOLANOES IN BRAZIL!!! You know what? Screw it, Hawaii.  
  
They're in HAWAII.  
  
"THIS isn't Pismo beach!" said Vile. "We must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque."  
  
Sigma swatted him in the head. "Shut up, it's entirely too early in the fic for Bugs Bunny jokes. Don't annoy the author this time around, the last thing we want is to annoy the author!"  
  
Vile adjusted his helmet. "Why? Normally author-baiting is considered a sport."  
  
"Because, you fool, this isn't some kind of half-assed holiday sketch! We're just at the beach! And in September, no less! The author isn't consumed with holiday cheer, and he's pissed about summer vacation being over. There's nothing to stop him from killing us!"  
  
"Pfft, you worry too much. Look around Sigma, there's no one to be seen for miles. This beach is deserted, we're all alone and nothing for miles that could possibly hurt us."  
  
"This isn't Pismo Beach!"  
  
"X, so help me, if you make that joke again I'll tell Alia what you REALLY do with my beam saber."  
  
Vile and Sigma gave each other stricken looks and leapt into the jungle foliage at the edge of the beach. Seconds later a troop of Maverick Hunters, decked out in swimsuits and carrying picnic basket, umbrellas, and blow-up toys, emerged and began to pitch camp by the water's edge.  
  
"I still say this was a bad idea," muttered Signas, adjusting his beach towel.  
  
"Why?" asked Lifesaver, "because with that bikini Iris has on Zero's going to be a drooling idiot for the entire trip?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Because reploids are made of metal, and thus not buoyant enough to swim without special adaptations, which none of us have?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Because with the entire senior staff on vacation, our base is more vulnerable to Maverick attack than ever?"  
  
"Nadda."  
  
"Then what's wrong?"  
  
"Dr. Cain is wearing a bathing suit."  
  
"Oh God, his liver spots form a map of southeast Asia! MY EYES ARE VOMITING BLOOD!"  
  
Dr. Doppler developed a twitch and eased away from his fellow scientist. On his other side, Zero was engaged in blowing up a water toy. At least. it LOOKED like a water toy.  
  
"Zero?" Doppler ventured.  
  
"Mmph. Yeah?"  
  
"I'm afraid to ask, but what is that?"  
  
"It's a beach toy. You know, just add air."  
  
".but. it's an anatomically correct naked woman."  
  
"Right. It's a blow-up doll. Kind of like a raft but more fun. if you know what I mean."  
  
He winked and nudged Doppler in the ribs with his elbow. Doppler excused himself to go puke in the ocean.  
  
"This isn't right," X muttered, glaring sourly at a bottle of suntan lotion. "Mavericks the world over are organizing terrorist strikes against innocent people. And here I am, on a beach, on vacation. It ain't right. I'm ashamed of myself. I should go back."  
  
"X?" asked Alia, "are you gonna sit there brooding all day or help me get my top off and oil me up?"  
  
"Moral crisis resolved!" X chirped happily.  
  
"Puss," groused Sigma, hiding among the palm fronds. "Allowing himself to be ordered around by a female! I can't believe he kicked my ass so many times!"  
  
Vile, meanwhile, had found something more interesting to occupy his time. Standing in front of him was a small creature about the size of a chicken, but lacking any bird-like characteristics. It resembled nothing so much as a bipedal green reptile, with a decidedly saurian appearance.  
  
"Awww," said Vile, "it's so cute! Come here little fella, lemme scratch behind your ears."  
  
Sigma's back was turned in Vile's direction, so he couldn't see his lieutenant walk heedlessly into harm's way, but he did hear the conversation. There was something intrinsically wrong with it. Namely, Vile's idea of "cute" was what most sane people would call "nightmarish". Why, he could still remember the time Vile had brought home a drooling seven-headed hellbeast with venomous claws and a sulfur-spewing anus. Sigma had no idea where Vile had found the thing (in fact, he didn't really want to know), but it had lain waste to a good fifty percent of the Maverick base before it had finally been taken down from all sides by the remaining Mavericks, while Agile trapped Vile in his "special" dungeon.  
  
So hearing Vile call something "cute" was cause for mass panic, basically.  
  
"Aaah! Sonofabitch bit me!"  
  
Sigma turned around in time to see Vile grab his new friend around the neck with his bleeding hand, whirl it over his head a few times, and then hurl it into the jungle. The thing let out a high-pitched wail as it was tossed to its doom. Vile, meanwhile, discovered that the tiny dinosaur's saliva had some interesting effects.  
  
"Oooo. pretty colors."  
  
Sigma sighed. "Great, now I have to get you out of here while you're under the influence of drugs. The last time you got stoned you became convinced that my chin was someone's cleavage. Oh well, let's. hurry. um, what's that noise.?"  
  
The foliage seemed to be moving, not because of any breeze, but because of the. thousands of tiny, chirping green creatures hiding within it.  
  
Sigma visibly paled. Vile grinned like an idiot. The dinos advanced.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Alerted to trouble by high-volume screams of fear, the Maverick Hunters turned as one in the direction of the noise. An instant later, Sigma came tearing out of the jungle, Vile held under his arm. Several dinosaurs were still attached to Vile, who was crying like a baby and wailing about the crabs.  
  
"They want to eat my feet! They can't have my feet! I need them! Don't let them eat my feet!"  
  
"Quiet you fool! The hunters will. see. us."  
  
A long moment passed. Sigma stared at the hunters. The hunters stared at Sigma. Vile grabbed the dinosaurs gnawing on his feet and bit their heads off; then started singing "Crazy Train".  
  
Signas was the first to speak. "Jebus on the mount, THEY'RE WEARING THONGS!"  
  
Mass panic broke out as everyone lunged for Zero's beam saber so they could gouge their eyes out. Someone got a hold of his penis instead and he started firing his arm cannon at random. Many fell that day. Well, actually just Lifesaver, and he only lost an eye. You'd think it was his whole face to hear him bitch about it, though. He's such a pansy, let me tell you.  
  
Sigma, keeping a remarkably cool head despite the fact that Alia and Iris were flailing about with their bikinis in various states of disarray, grabbed the comm. unit from within his thong (don't ask me how it fit in there).  
  
"Launch Octopus! Vile's down and I'm outnumbered! We need evac, now! GO GO GO!!!"  
  
"Go Big O!" Vile squealed. Sigma hammered him over the head.  
  
All activity on the beach came to an abrupt halt as the waves surged and broke, revealing Launch Octopus atop his mighty. um. you know that. boat. thing. the one that you fight in his level? The one that explodes and drops and stuff? Yeah, he's riding that.  
  
"Fear not my brethren!" shouted the mighty cephalopod. "Help is on the way!"  
  
"Oh no!" squeaked Iris, "he's got tentacles! I'm a half naked woman in a fanfic being written by a teenaged male anime fan! There's only one way this can end!"  
  
"Good," muttered Lifesaver, "maybe it'll shut the bitch up. Anyone see my eye?"  
  
No one paid any attention to him; the hunters were all heading for Sigma in a valiant attempt to cut off his escape route. Undaunted, Sigma abandoned Vile and ran for Launch Octopus' ship. Fortunately, X had been doing some jogging. He came between Sigma and Launch right at the shoreline.  
  
"Surrender!" he cried valiantly, aiming his arm cannon at Sigma's thong.  
  
Sigma ground to a halt. He was weaponless, except.  
  
"You know," he said, "if you blow that off, you'll be blinded."  
  
X's optics widened in horror. The other hunters skidded to a stop beside him and tried their best not to look at Sigma's beachwear.  
  
"X, don't risk it!" said Zero, "the mere sight of his body with that thing on is already causing my optics to short out! The sight of his huge Maverickhood flopping around will kill us all!"  
  
"I don't tan under there either," Sigma threatened. Douglas screamed like a schoolgirl and ran.  
  
"You think he's that big?" asked Alia.  
  
"He's two feet taller than me, and I'm ten inches," said Signas. "Don't risk it X!"  
  
"Risk it! Risk it!" said Alia. X glared at her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It appears we're caught in a bit of a standoff!" Launch Octopus called from atop his boat. "May I suggest a way to decide this WITHOUT the sight of Sigma naked causing all our heads to explode?"  
  
"Hey!" said Sigma, "screw you guys!"  
  
"You make a good point," said Signas, rubbing his chin as he is wont to do when he wants to appear deep and intelligent. "What do you propose?"  
  
Launch Octopus disappeared for a moment within the bowels of his ship, and then returned, carrying a pair of surfboards.  
  
"A surfing contest!" he crowed.  
  
"A surfing contest!?" Zero squeaked. "Are you insane!? Why on earth would we agree to-"  
  
"Zero, calm down," said Signas, putting a hand on the crimson hunter's shoulder. "Remember, this is a beach party fanfic. There has to be a surfing contest."  
  
Zero's mood plummeted. "There does?"  
  
"Yeah, sorry. It's a rule."  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
Meanwhile, Iris had snuck off to check on Vile, who was lying comatose on the beach and twitching occasionally. Virtually alone with an unconscious Maverick, Iris felt temptation take hold of her. Kneeling down, she gingerly took the hem of his thong between her thumb and forefinger, lifted it, and peeked inside.  
  
Her face went as red as a baboon's ass. "My god, he's huge!"  
  
"Teh crabs.?" Vile asked groggily as he came to. Looking up, he saw Iris bending over him anxiously. "Auntie Em. 'zat you.?"  
  
"Uhhh. no. are you okay?"  
  
Vile's gaze dropped a bit and locked onto Iris' cleavage, which was spilling bountifully out of her torn bikini top. There was an audible "click" as his brain went on auto-pilot.  
  
"YesIamfine."  
  
Iris let out a squeal as Vile leapt to his feet, slung her over his shoulder, and took off.  
  
"Alright," said Sigma, taking the larger of the two surfboards from Launch Octopus. "Whom shall be my opponent?"  
  
"I nominate me!" said Zero. "Since I am both blonde and beautiful, I am the obvious choice for any contest that involves the beach, as I am blonde."  
  
"Hey look!" shouted X, "there goes Colonel!"  
  
"THE SON OF A BITCH! AH KEEL HEEM!" Zero streaked away, screaming dire threats and insults. Sigma blinked.  
  
"What the hell was that?"  
  
"Beam saber envy," replied X, taking the other surfboard. "Come, it is time that I defeated you on the water, but know this: If I should win, you shall be forced to wear a David Bowie wig for a week."  
  
"Bring it! For when you lose, you will face the humiliation of many punches to the nuts."  
  
"Perv."  
  
"Shut up and surf."  
  
Leaping valiantly into the ocean, X and Sigma stroked out to deep water. Unfortunately for this fic, I just realized I haven't the slightest idea how to judge a surfing contest. Is it based on how fancy they do it? The size of the wave? Do they have to do a flip or moon the judges or something? Hell, I dunno. Let's just say they're surfing the same wave and trying not to fall off, or something. Honestly, this is the first time either of them has ever surfed before. I'm impressed they haven't both drowned already.  
  
"Lobster," said X.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Sigma, "Are you just shouting out bizarre words at random? Are you trying to distract me!? Stay in the game you pu-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT'S GOT MY LEG!"  
  
The lobster dragged Sigma into the water. Many long minutes and a protracted undersea battle later X stood on the shore, victorious. Sigma was sitting down next to him, chewing on the beast's claw in a vengeful frenzy.  
  
"A winner is me!" squeaked X, pumping his fist. "Now, Sigma, I seem to recall a wager."  
  
Sigma looked up at him blankly. "I'm evil, you dipstick. I'm not going to honor that bet."  
  
"What? But I thought-"  
  
*PUNCH!*  
  
"AAAAH! MY EFFING NUTS!"  
  
Cackling, Sigma joined Launch Octopus atop his boat, and they disappeared into the waves. The hunters just sort of winced and walked away, leaving X curled in a fetal position on the sand.  
  
Meanwhile, Zero had grown tired of pursuing Colonel, who had apparently eluded him. Wearied and needing very much to relieve himself after drinking five Mountain Dews on the way to the beach, he headed for the nearest restroom.  
  
Entering the small concrete building, Zero was surprised to hear a bizarre shuffling and squeaking from within one of the stalls. Being the curious sort, if not very intelligent, he hopped onto a toilet and peeked over into the noise-making stall.  
  
"Ooooh Vile. that's SO good.!"  
  
Zero screamed and fell to the floor, convulsing. His eyes took the opportunity to crawl out of their sockets and took off, heading for water. 


End file.
